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the sound of waves,
lapping the shore.
just like the songs you used to sing.
the gentle breeze,
caressing my face.
reminds me of you.
i see the sunset,
with your head on my shoulders.
your hand in mine,
we would have been so happy.
together.

its been so long since i blogged.
things arent the happiest.
things arent the worst.
but im busy and stressed.
so many things to do, so many friends to meet.
and mcqs to fill.

working.
studying.
while you're playing.
laugh at me, the lousy med student.
go on.

i just want to rest.
rest in someones arms.

it takes two.
at the same time.
to fall in love.

but it only takes one.
to end it.

haha. simple?

certain events of the day make me think about myself in general. perhaps, things that i hold on to strongly, should be slowly let go. things that i believed to have, i dont anymore. ah.

sometimes, i dont want to do anything anymore. just run away from the face of this earth. theres so much pressure and stress and so many things to do. why? why cant i just freeze time. and do the things i want to do. alas, a medical student's life is beyond his control.

its really quite disappointing really. maybe fatigue played a role. the pun. sigh.

and when you know someone is feeling shitty, you try to be nice.

you try to make a few jokes here and there, lighten up the mood.

add a smile to that face, even if its just for little awhile.

sometimes you dont know what to say but a hug says it all.

and if i let go of this memory, it'd really disappear into nothingness.

if you missed korea, i miss you even more.

and so, it's over.
what's over?
many things are over.
national day was just over.
my eopt was over a few hours ago.
some happy things are over.
others, not yet.
my 21st isnt over.
christmas isnt over.
cny isnt either.

some things, i wish werent over.
some things would have just begun,
right about now.

a replay of a year ago?
perhaps, perhaps not.

and i wish time could move backwards.

"General abdominal pain is often all that the patient will complain of during the first few hours of his attack.... But after the first few hours it becomes more evident that the chief seat of pain is at [the iliac fossa], and the general pain then usually subsides.... In every case the seat of greatest pain, determined by the pressure of one finger, has been very exactly between an inch and a half and two inches from _____ (where?)"

Auguries of Innocence by William Blake

To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.

pretty aint it. thanks Priya. :)

today's episode in TTSH left me with many questions, for which i have little or no answers. in the midst of all the mugging, reading up, clerking patients, sometimes, we get too caught up in the motion of things that we dont actually realise patients are actually humans too.

while the sun is up, every one scurries around the ward like headless chickens, nurses updating casefiles, med students chasing casefiles, docs screaming for casefiles. everyoine wants a piece of the casefile. (if you didnt know, yes, casefiles are such hot stuff in the wards)

and well, patients are but inanimate objects decorating the wards waiting to be wheeled off for the next scan, or the hungry medstudent to pounce on for a physical exam.

its not until the sun sets, population density in the wards decreases dramatically, and the pace slows down, when you start having feelings for these patients. the loneliness in the ward begins to sink in. and its only then you feel the vulnerability of patients, and the fragility of life.

tonight i tried cannulating a patient. i remembered him, because i clerked him as a case last week. i dont know if he recognised me, but i definitely did. just last week, though jaundiced, he was still able to walk about in the wards, read newspapers, talk to students. he was full of life.

but now, he seemed a changed person. his face had a tiredness to it. and he lay quietly in bed, not saying much anymore. from his expression, i could tell, he wasnt very well. i knew his condition, i knew what he was going through. and such drastic change in mere 5days.

the scene before me left questions in my head. what would a patient who was dying be thinking of? as life was slowly being drawn away from him, what would he hold important anymore?

we might work so hard to achieve many things in life. money, status, power. not to say they're not impt, but which of these will stay by us in our last moments of life and accompany us on our way? slightly morbid thoughts. but it strikes a chord. i'd like to hold on to the hands of those closest to me and go peacefully.

it was not this incident merely that made me contemplate on these issues. earlier on in the day, i talked to another patient who seemed to have everything go wrong in his life, and most importantly, nothing was ever his fault. absolutely nothing.

we may lament that life isnt fair, but really, sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal with it best as you can. cos nobody's gonna pity you.

well in the end, i must say, i never successfully cannulated the patient, neither was this night call the most exciting with new cases to be clerked, great signs to be elicited. but it definitely gave me a feel of the humane side of medicine. to respect every patient as a fellow individual and to alleviate pain to the best of our ability even if it means merely offering a listening ear when you cannot help much.

to see someone at his weakest gives you the power to make a difference in his life.

i'm really thankful i took up medicine.

there will never be an end to the many wants in life.

what's more important is not to think of them.

actually, on hindsight, that isnt a really good idea.

in fact, we should turn those wants into haves.

then they wont bother you anymore.

HAHA.

ahhh. so many things to do. so many so many so many things to do. everyday spending 20981293 hours at the hospital! no time to read, no time to sleep, no time to do my own things. ARGH.

its scary thinking abt the sheer amount of stuff we needa know just for surg. can you imagine what's gonna happen for med posting?! ah. being thrown at the deep end of the pool. its scary. =X

went for a haircut as well. while at it, popped by to Isetan next door and saw that there was a very very very pretty lime pair of shoes that melted my heart immediately. i heard it call out to me, bring me home bring me hommeeee....

so i got this pair of lime version sneakers from Mango. it was a collaboration between Victoria and Mango, two of Spain’s most youthful brands of the day. while at it, the bag sitting on the counter of Homini Emerito made friends with my shoe and decided to find its way into my shopping bag as well. lol.



hennyway back to my liver.

and on the eve of the new beginning, i sit in front of my computer apprehensive of the future. not exactly apprehensive actually, well more of a butterflies in my stomach first-day-of-school jitters. it is afterall back to NUS for one entire day of school (and all my freaking pens dont work, i needa get new ones tmr), nonstop lectures from 10am to dunno when, before finally embarking on a nonstop rollercoaster surgery ride at TTSH for a whoopping 8weeks.

so this marks the beginning of my 3rd year of medical school.

medical school runs on the weirdest timetable ever. just counting the days i am in school for year one, it'd be at most... 8mths, including the short one week breaks in between terms etc etc. punctuated with a nice 4mtheuropetripbreak which i dearly miss in between m1 and m2. the same rough 8mths for the second year. then the 4mth break shortens into a pathetic one month break. and thats not all, the subsequent years are continuous, only relieved by 1week breaks between postings.

from now on, its only moving forward towards MBBS. its exciting, perilious and yet a heavy responsibility. sometimes i'm afraid i'd lose myself in all this. not to be able to pursue the things i love ever. and i dont ever want that to happen. to be this corpse-like medical student pallorific (pale and horrific) who knows nothing but to read textbooks and notes.

its easy to indulge and get obsessed. similarly its easy to get overly complacent. i dont want either. i wanna be just nice in the centre. and that takes work. urgh.

well, a new beginning is always a chance to strive for the things we want. and at the end of the day i just wanna be a good doc without losing myself. =)

i was just leaving j8 for home after having bought my dinner, when i saw the 410 leave the busstop. maybe it was just my luck, or my lack of skill, that i couldnt jaywalk across the road amidst the heavy traffic. sitting at the bus stop, my mind wandered. it was almost like an out of body experience and my gazed settled on a familiar sight.

i first moved to bishan in primary four, roughly 9 years ago. i can safely say that i already know this area at the back of my hand. but nothing so familiar as a place i frequented nearly everyday for the past 6 years. Raffles Institution and Raffles Junior College, an integral part of me.

So being nostalgic and curious about the recent developments of my alma mater, i decided to take a slow walk through the compound, reminiscing my days back then, and the memories each nook and cranny held for me.

it must seem weird to others, afterall, my fingers tell me i'm already j5 this year, this affection between me and something so inanimate. but to me, the strange familiarity of the walls and its corridors, the banners that display the achievements of rafflesians old and new, classrooms that i once spent at least 6 hours in everyday, contain a life and a spirit. it is not merely walls or classrooms anymore.

maybe they call this the rafflesian spirit; the breath of life that each rafflesian injects into his alma mater's hallowed halls. to be able to feel that i was once a part of something greater, and still am; the fact that i was a part of a legacy and a tradition of excellence, makes me swell with indescribable pride. i am a product of raffles.

the school has improved its facilities, with the recent surge in funds, the school hall was made over, the field was turned into a new and improved astroturf and an entire area dedicated to softball. classrooms in the GEP block have been converted into offices for high ranking officials, an entirely new senior block and boarding house has been constructed.

nevertheless, with so many changes, i could still recognise my school. because outwardly it may have changed, but the familiarity lie with the school culture and how raffles provides its students with countless opportunities to stretch and nurture them into the best that they can be. that has never changed.

i walked by the clocktower towards LT1. my classrooms over 4 years were in close proximity to the lecture theatre in the admin block. LT1 being the biggest lecture theatre in RI was naturally its performance theatre. it held many memories of my drama days. Sing to the Dawn rehearsals, Dramafeste. as well as the combined chinese lectures in sec 4 by Wei Ling who would order Lim Si Hui around to switch on the aircon, turn off the lights, set up the projector etc..

i walked through the junior block. the junior block memories i had were of History Drama, the photocopying shop aunty and the first day of school when i went to meet my PSL class 1A for the first time. well of course also the computer lessons we had in the computer lab and how zhunrui had a crush on sharon xu. hahaha. and before i eventually left for the raja block, i saw the RIPB board.

speaking of prefects and the junior block, i'd say the first person that comes to my mind would be Lim Aik. as insignificant as we think Peer Support Group Meetings were, i must say they left their mark on me. in our formative stages of life in secondary school, a senior role model would make a great impact. and i always looked up to my PSLs, in fact, i still do rmb their faces and sometimes, i see them around school, i go up and say hi.

i still keep in contact with my PSL class and i'm glad i've forged a friendship with some of them, which i believe will last at least a few years more. they're j2's already. before long they'd be taking their A levels and being whisked off to army, not to mention, some disrupting for medicine and others for their overseas studies. how time flies.

i believe this trip back has made me think of the times i've spent with people in my school. ask anyone and they'd speak fondly of the memories in secondary school, the good, the bad and the ugly. even with the bad and the ugly, we'd just laugh it off now, given our immaturity in those days. and we slowly move on in the phases of our lives.

i've always wondered what would happen if we brought people from different phases together. would it ever end up with something beautiful? or was it never meant to be? i'd never know.

Cause' if one day you wake up,
and find that you're missing me,
and your heart starts to wonder
where on this earth I could be,

Thinking maybe you'd come back here
to the place that we'd meet
and you'd see me waiting for you
on the corner of the street
so I'm not moving..

the memories.

today, i did two things i never did before.
1. successfully draw blood from a patient (with abit of help from a Doc)
2. secret. ;) lol.

ahh. CSFC is ending. i hope OSCEs will be easy. time to read some Talleys.

today, i attempted to draw blood from my first patient.
unfortunately, i missed the vein and caused much pain.
i really feel quite bad. argh.
i'll work harder tmr. =x

i see mirrors in your life, my life, his life.
our lives are but mirrors of each other's lives.
everything so painfully coincidental.
the things we want to achieve,
the neverending to-do list.
the way we forget to smell the flowers
or watch the sunset.
to live today for tomorrow.
is that what we really want?

affected and affection.

so how did our family bond on Mother's Day? we went to our grandmother's house the ENTIRE day like nice filial grandsons, granddaughters and good lil children. my grandmother is a funny old woman. she asks the funniest of questions, and the best thing is she KEEPS asking them.

a typical convo goes like:

"what's your name again? i cant remember."
"i'm Reuben!"
"oh you're Reuben! so tall already... last time i saw you you were still..."
(laughs)
"whose son are you?"
"i'm HER (points to mum) son"
"oh okayy..."

well repeat that conversation every 5 minutes and thats very much how we spent the entire afternoon to evening. of course it rotated. among her 3 daughters and 1 son, and her multitude of grandchildren. we got our fair share of entertainment. bursting into fits of laughter everytime she repeated the same questions over and over.

its not mean. we were engaging in family bonding. and if you dont know, i think her Alzheimer's is actually quite severe. i told her my name, and within 3 minutes, when she got distracted by the TV, she forgot my name. and i even promised her 2bux if she remembered. somehow my grandmother is very motivated by money.

but i really remember the days when her memory was still intact. she loved us grandchildren very much. every time we went to her house, she'd give us money before we left. and mind you she wast rich. but she'd always dish into her wallet for $10bills to stuff into our hands as we left the door. as time went by and she had less money, $10bills became $5 and subsequently she stopped giving altogether. but it wasnt so much the money that i cared for. on hindsight, it was an expression of her love, in her own little way.

she cooked very nice food and we looked forward every chinese new year and mother's day to taste her cooking. her most famous dish of all time was sichuan veg soup with pork. her sichuan veg was always the correct saltiness and spicyness. apparently it comes with skill cos you need to soak the veg in water for the correct amount of time. too much and it'll be bland. too little and it'll be too salty. hers was always just right.

though when asked how many children she has, she replies with a "forget already". sometimes i wonder if you'd feel a tingue of sadness if your mum one day eventually forgot about all the times you've spent with her. the memories of your childhood, your teenage years. i think it hurts most when you actually start to think about it. then it slowly sinks in. that someone so close, whom you've spent the first 25 years of your life with actually doesnt remember you anymore.

as her grandchildren, we can only make what remaining years she has comfortable. my mum always tells us to go visit our grandmother every now and then. i really cant imagine how it feels. how my mum feels. because she has a Mother, and she is also a Mother. i will probably never understand.

my grandmother may not remember us, but i know behind the empty shell, she remains a good cook and a person full of love in my memories.

thanks for bringing us into this world. we are who we are, because you were there for us. to all mothers, happy mother's day.

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reuben.
21.august.1988
leo.

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